Bringing Back Technicolor
by the.brown.eyed.girl
Summary: In the sequel to There's A GIRL At St. Bartleby's!, Kris Smith has returned to Ireland. For now, she's more than content to relax, have some fun, and settle down with her new boyfriend. Unfortunately, Artemis Fowl has other plans.
1. Trouble in Paradise

**Memo:** Oh how I've missed writing this story! Welcome to the first chapter of Bringing Back Technicolor! Before you start reading, a couple of important messages. This story, as you're about to find out, is getting a bit of an...estrogen lift. Not like I don't enjoy writing about my fine young Irish gentlemen, but it could really use some more girls. So, you will know be hearing from a certain Miss Holly Short as a narrator. Her chapters will start with famous quotes from different languages. If you have any quotes you would like to see used, drop them in a review and I'll consider them. Raleigh's chapters will still start with Irish sayings, and Artemis's will still start with song lyrics. Kris, of course, will just cut straight to the chase. As I'm sure some of you may have noticed, all the chapters in TGASB! now have titles, and I do plan on titling the chapters in this story as well. Before you ask me, you will be seeing Artemis very soon. Kris, however, will not be making a physical appearance for a couple more chapters. I've already started Chapter two and hope to have it up relatively soon.

_Thanks, as always, to my wonderfully patient beta-reader undaunted_scholar, who puts up with all my ridiculous excuses and general absent-mindedness._

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I wasn't a boy, which pretty much rules out the chances I'm Eoin Colfer. I must not own Holly and Artemis.**

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**Chapter 1: Trouble in Paradise**

_Après moi, le deluge. _

(_After me, the flood-_King Louie XIV)

Midnight Haven bustled with life and activity. Spoiled young fairies with the latest set of wings buzzed around the streets, gnomes lumbered down the sidewalks, swear toads hopped lazily through the crowds, croaking D'Arvit at anyone who would listen. The city was a hive of motion and I, Holly Short, was stuck on stake out duty. Normally, it wouldn't bother me so much. Stake out sure looked a hell of a lot better than traffic duty or my old P.I. business. But today wasn't a normal day. I was surface-sick. The latest Artemis Fowl case had closed not even a week ago and my lungs longed for fresh air. Sure Haven felt like, well, a haven but nothing could beat fresh Irish wind through my hair.

And any company could beat what I was currently putting up with. Vinyáya had stuck me with some fresh-off-the-gills newbie and he kept chattering away in the seat next to me. Granted, the stakeout hadn't proved itself to be any sort of interesting yet. The suspect had barely moved from his house and the blackout van didn't exactly provide hours of entertainment. But even that didn't give Stonewort permission to bore me to death with tales of his Great and Wonderful Feats and Achievements at the Academy. If I believed a word he said, which I most certainly didn't, Stonewort had won over the hearts of all the pretty little fairies like myself, beaten the records set down by myself and Commander Julius Root may he rest in peace and single-handedly bested a troll. Right. I'm sure he had.

"Listen, Stonewort," I said crossly twisting my body to face him. "This is a stakeout. As in, we're observing a possible criminal and gathering evidence against him. Usually this is done _quietly._"

"Of course, Captain, but I hadn't finished my story about the band of goblins that I-"

Before I could reach over and knock his head firmly against the windshield, the lights outside went out. All of the lights. The faint glow of the electronic devices inside the vans appeared to be the only lights in Haven. Stonewort stilled, frightened.

"Err, is this supposed to happen on a stakeout?" he asked weakly.

The back of my skull buzzed with buried instincts. It had been two years since Haven had been plunged into darkness like this. Last time, Artemis had unknowingly unveiled our existence to an American mega-millionaire. What had happened this time? We needed to get back to headquarters. Correction, I had to get back to headquarters. For all his talk, something told me Stonewort wouldn't be much help. Hastily, I threw the van into drive and we glided back towards base stakeout completely forgotten.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Sector Eight headquarters buzzed with activity. Everywhere I looked fairies frantically dashed around under the protocol dim lights of a security blackout. The closer I got to Foaly's office, the more hectic things grew. LEP sprites hovered anxiously outside and I could see the glint of metals from inside Foaly's glass office. What on Earth was the LEP doing here? Didn't they have their own tech people to walk them through this now?

Motioning for Stonewort to stay outside, I slipped into the office.

Foaly spotted me immediately. "Holly!" He brayed, tail swishing nervously from side to side. "Thank Frond you're here. We have a problem."

From across the office, someone gave a gravelly snort. "Most likely, she's the cause of the problem. Why is Miss Short even here? I was under the impression she'd resigned."

Vinyáya gave an icy reply from her perch on Foaly's right. "She's under my employment, Commander Sool, and so has as much right to be here as you."

Well, at least one of my employers actually likes me. What a change.

"Please, Foaly," my boss continued smoothly. "Tell us why you've called us in here and why in Frond's name you've killed all the power."

My friend straightened himself importantly, taking a moment to clear his throat. "We've been pinged."

The room visibly relaxed. It was commonly known that Foaly was an incredibly paranoid. He'd shut the LEP down once because some Mud Person had mentioned centaurs and computers in the same sentence. What had happened this time?

"Centaur," Sool growled. "Tell me this isn't another one of your paranoid overreactions again."

The tech genius took a moment to look righteously offended. "This isn't about me being paranoid, this is about a serious breach in protocol. Besides, it's not the ping that bothered me. It's the pinger."

A cold, unpleasant feeling festered in the bottom of my gut. Something told me I wouldn't like where this conversation headed.

"The pinger?" An LEP brass asked incredulously. "It's probably some Mud Child, prattling on about some book they read." Mutters of agreement floated around the crowded room.

Frowning, Foaly clopped his way over to his computer. "You'll want to hear this, Vinyàya, Commander. Computer, bring up the most recent ping on audio. Speakers on please, full volume."

The computer whirred to life and soon a deep, masculine voice filled the room.  
"Where were you, Kris? Who had you?"

An almost dreamy, female voice replied. "Fairies… They were…fairies."

I knew that voice. I remembered that voice. Oh this was not good.

"Who was that Foaly?" Vinyáya asked sharply. All the tension that had left the room returned ten-fold with an unpleasant lurch.

The only sound that filled the room came from Foaly's fingers flying across his computer keys. Finally, he had enough information to reply. I knew what was coming, I knew exactly what he was about to say. "Kristina Nicole Smith. Currently enrolled at Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen, known associate and possible romantic interest of Artemis Fowl the Second kidnapped by Aster Koboi-Greenleaf two weeks ago and currently rescued and recorded as properly mind wiped."

The next question didn't surprise me much either. "Who performed that mind wipe?"

A pause as Foaly gave an uncomfortable gulp. "Captain Holly Short."

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Vinyáya didn't wait for the others to leave; she hauled me into her office right then and there. Her lips had tightened to a thin line as she slammed the door shut. "Short, explain."

How to explain? How to explain that I knew what it felt like to be used by Artemis, that I could sympathize with her, even if she was a Mud Girl?

"Give me a moment to collect my thoughts, Commander."

By now I wasn't even sure if she had lips anymore. "You have one minute, Short. I want to know why you let a security risk wander around with a head full of damning memories in her head."

It sounded so much worse when she said it like that.

"She doesn't remember Artemis Fowl, but, she remembers Aster, her cohorts, myself and Foaly."

"I fail to see why this should make a difference to me. In fact, I fail to see why I shouldn't fire you right now and turn you over for prosecution."

As usual, she had a valid point. My actions certainly didn't make me any friends among my People. How best to sum up my reasoning?

"I…" I wanted to give her a chance I never had. "The girl deserved a chance to move on with her life. Artemis plagues you." The rest came out without in a rush. "I wanted to give her a chance for a normal life, well as normal as you can get around him. She requested to forget only Artemis because it would help her move on. The girl said that everything she learned with Aster would help her become a better person. She seemed sincere, I just… I know what it's like to _be_ her. Sometimes remembering hurts less then forgetting."

Not the best argument but the only one I had.

Needless to say this failed to impress Vinyáya. She treated me to a stern glare. "Your first priority," she said, all authority, "Lies with your People, not some anguished Mud Girl."

I bit back my retort. Objecting now would only be treasonous and suicidal.

"Listen Holly," my boss sighed. "I've cut you a lot of slack throughout the years. You know I support you. But this…this is different. This a serious breach in protocol."

On edge, I waited for the damning sentence that would end my career.

It didn't come.

"I'm giving you one last chance Short." She said tersely, rubbing her temples. "They'll probably have my badge for this but I like you. So this is your last and only chance at redemption and I truly mean that."

Well, this wasn't exactly what I was expecting.

Wing Commander Vinyáya seemed to take the surprised look on my face as a need for explanation. "Now don't get me wrong, you're still on Tribunal for the breach of protocol. And I'll have to talk about this at the next Council meeting. You're not out of deep water yet. I'm just giving you a second chance. It's what Julius would've done."

Hearing about the dead Commander still pained my heart. Masking my sorrow, I voiced the question hovering on my lips. "What do you want me to do? What's my last chance?"

"Before we go anywhere, let me make this painfully clear. You are only on this case because we need you. No one under this Earth has the same sort of experience with Fowl as you do; no one under this Earth knows him better. You botched this up and usually the botcher doesn't get to go in and clean up their mess. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." I stated, relieved that the hammer hadn't fallen on my career quite yet.

Grinning in a way that did nothing to ease my apprehension, my boss dismissed me from her office.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

She took me down the hallway to a small conference room, practically pushing me through the door.

"Listen," Ark Sool was saying, "All we have to do is go topside, wipe her, and return home."

"It's not as simple as that," Foaly argued, "Nothing is ever that simple when Artemis Fowl-Oh, Holly!" His tail swished side to side with excitement. Obviously, his happiness matched my own.

Sool looked like someone had just killed his firstborn son. "You're still here?"

Vinyáya blinked coolly. "Next time the way I deal with my employees applies to you, I'll be sure to let you know Sool."

He scowled, turning back to Foaly and Major Trouble Kelp. "As I was saying-"

My boss cut in swiftly. "What you were saying no longer matters. Captain Short, this is now your case. Your mission objective is to fix this…disaster."

Sool turned red, an impressive feat for a gnome. "Excuse me! What right do you have to burst in and reassign my cases? This clearly falls in the LEP's jurisdiction."

Commander Vinyáya looked official and annoyed as she turned to the gnome. "Are you or are you not currently located in Sector Eight headquarters?"

Blustering, Sool slammed his fist down on the table. "This has nothing to do with demons, or anything else you deal with! This is species security, this is LEP!"

"Are you implying," My boss hissed, voice colder than steel. "That I don't have the right to protect my own People?"

Sool had no answer.

"Sector Eight deals with more than just demons. And as we currently house both the leading Artemis Fowl expert and the top technological genius under the Earth, it makes sense that we should lead this mission."

My former employer snarled. "We have just as much place on this as you do!"

"Short knows more about Artemis Fowl than anyone in the LEP combined." Vinyáya defended vehemently. "And Foaly's the best there is, technology wise. Do you really think you'd be able to pull this off without them?"

From the look on Sool's face, he did. "All I have to do is send a man up there, swipe the girl for a night, wipe her clean, and put her back in her bed. Who said anything about Artemis Fowl?"

"The girl in question in Artemis's girlfriend. You really think he'd sit back and let this happen?" Vinyáya bit back.

Sool was unimpressed. "He let her get kidnapped. Why would he protect her now?"

The Wing Commander and Council member had nothing to say to this.

I butted in, tired of keeping quiet on a matter that obviously concerned me. "Listen Sool."

"_Commander_ Sool to you, Short." He snarled.

I ignored him. "If Artemis didn't care for the Mud Girl before this started, he certainly cares for her now. I have it from good sources he's been dredging up the disc he gave Mulch, the one that helped him cheat the mind wipe before. Artemis isn't going to let this girl slip through his fingers. As far as I can tell, he's more determined to get her back now than he was to get fairy gold all those years ago. Surely we remember how that fiasco ended. If we wipe the girl now, there isn't any way to promise that he'd wouldn't just restore her memory the next day."

"I still fail to see why in Frond's name this is your jurisdiction, Vinyáya." Sool grumbled.

"Holly is the only elf here capable of accurately predicting Fowl's next move. If we don't want this situation blowing up in our face and becoming a regular occurrence, we need her. And as you so kindly pointed out earlier, she doesn't work for the LEP anymore. Trust me, this case won't go anywhere without her on it. And Foaly is the only with technology advanced enough to beat Fowl's brains. After all, Sool, the Mud Boy knows the People just as well as we know ourselves."

Sool snarled, unwilling to accept the idea that this simply was one thing the LEP couldn't control on its own.

Luckily, cooler heads currently inhabited the room and Foaly cut in.

"How about we make it a joint operation? One lead from each side? Then the LEP can have their mind-wiping pleasures, and Sector Eight contributes its Fowl expertise and technological superiority."

Grudgingly the two heads agreed, although Sool glared at Foaly.

"I want Kelp in on this," Sool stated, glaring at my direction.

Vinyáya turned to me. "This is your case now, too Short. Remember what I talked about earlier." In a whisper that Sool couldn't hear she added, "I mean it Holly. This is your last chance. Consider yourself on probation."

I blinked. No pressure then. Excellent. Just the way I liked things.

Taking a deep breath, I took charge. "As I was saying, nothing is ever simple once Artemis Fowl is involved. We should probably head topside to check the situation."

Across the table, Trouble frowned. "If we're dealing with Fowl, then we're going to need a plan. We can't just blunder forward like a light-blind troll. He needs to be treated with the utmost caution."

Trouble and I had always gotten along amicably. I couldn't really call us friends but we certainly weren't enemies. However, I could already tell this mission was bound to give me a headache. He used intellect where I used instinct. What a great pair we made.

"Listen, if Artemis has a hand in this somewhere, which wouldn't surprise me in the least, the longer we sit around on our hands the longer he has to plot. And I believe we can both agree that's not good."

Grudgingly, Trouble nodded. "Yes, this is true. But I still want to go in with a plan I don't want him catching us off guard. We'll go topside in three weeks. That way we can think out all the options."

This was the closest we were going to get to a compromise. I nodded, sitting down. Time to plan then. My gut stirred with excitement. I was going up to the surface. This wasn't going to be a normal swipe n' wipe mission, I could just tell. Something was brewing up there. Somehow, I could feel it. All I could do was pray we didn't end up in the middle.

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I've missed you all, and so has the Rapid Review Rabbit! Hope you've read the memo.

ANY BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFUL IRISH FANS OUT THERE WILLING TO SHED LIGHT ON YOUR SCHOOL SYSTEM BEFORE I MESS IT UP? (Again. My first try wasn't too accurate, sadly...)


	2. Seasonal Surprises

**Memo: **Welcome to chapter two, my friends! This turned out much, much longer than I expected. But oh well. Looks like my old word limit for chapters is out the window. I don't have much news for you this time around, but I should subtly (or not very subtly at all) tell you that I love getting reviews. Love them to death. And I promise that I do reply to each and every one. Honest. (Reply times may vary, but trust me, you'll get one.) That's my main little prod. Reviews are fun. You should leave one. Now onwards.

at it=Doing the hanky panky, if you get my drift.

_a rún=_my dear

afters=dessert

blather=talk

doing a line=dating

effin' and blindin'=cussing and swearing

dry up=shut up

narky=cranky

**Thanks to: ireallyneedalifebadly for coming up with 'sugar muffin', smearedblackinks for being an idea post of epic proportions, and of course undaunted_scholar, for her lovely beta skills and persistance.**

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**Chapter Two: Seasonal Surprises**

"_May God bring good health to your enemies enemies"_

_-Irish saying_

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind spending two weeks with my family. In fact, I'd even been known to enjoy it. Unfortunately, when you're trying to avoid telling your father about your girlfriend so you can actually enjoy the perks of sharing a room, family gatherings get…awkward. Very awkward. I couldn't even escape to Finn or Jake's; Finn spent all his holidays in France with his Da's family and Jake's family lived out in the country. In short, I was stuck in the house with my Ma, who kept insisting I needed comfort food, my Da, who kept throwing me suspiciously all-knowing looks and two annoyingly perceptive teenage sisters. Ciara and Gemma, both back from university, had taken to cornering me in bizarre places and shooting off questions at rapid speed. The only person in my family, who had remained pleasant to be around, was Caoimhe and she wasn't even nine yet.

Why just this morning Ciara had purposely locked us in the pantry together. I looked back on the event, still bitter.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

"Oops! What a silly mistake!" she grinned, reaching to my left to grab the cereal. "Well, now we can catch up little brother? Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

"It'll be a fecking ball," I muttered, rubbing my eyes. 9 in the morning was not an acceptable time to be thinking. Couldn't this wait a few hours?

"So tell me baby brother. How has your life been without me?" My eldest sibling asked.

"Bloody wonderful. Can I go back to sleep now?" I grumbled.

My sister laughed at me, ruffling my hair fondly. "Now there's that pile of sunshine I miss and adore. Come on, tell your big sister how life's been treating you."

"Deidre broke up with me," I supplied unwillingly. Ma probably already told her that. There was something infinitely satisfying about withholding information from someone who had once made me play with dolls. "Er… and I got a roommate this year."

"See? Not so hard, hmm? What's he like?"

"Sees bootiful," I slurred through a yawn.

"_She's_ beautiful? Well this certainly got interesting fast." Ciara waggled her eyes suggestively.

Oh wait. Shit. Damn. Damning hell. Fecking hell. Why did I say that out loud?

"So the news was right about you two being at it then, eh?"

Automatically, I couldn't help the blood from rising to my face. "For the love of all that is holy, Kris and I are not at it!" I hissed.

My sister leaned in, green eyes carefully assessing my own. Apparently she found something in my face worth knowing because she drew back with a smile. "Oh, but you wish the pair of you were at it," she said wisely.

When God created sisters, he must've put something in them that made them ten times more annoyingly perceptive than your average bird. It wasn't fair. In two minutes in a pantry, my sister had managed to pry more out of me than my father ever could with all of his proud, sad looks and his gently probing questions. He must've also given them a smug sense of superiority and the need to be right all the goddamn time given by the way that Ciara had just whooped.

"Gemma owes me ten Euros for this! I knew I'd get out of you before she did!" She cackled, clapping her hand with delight.

Not all of my brain had woken up yet; it took me a moment to fully comprehend her words. "Wait, what? You two have been betting on me?" I asked, nonplussed.

Ciara shrugged, pulling out a hairpin out her head and wiggling it into the key lock expertly. "We're your big sisters." She said simply, as if this explained everything. "You are so dead when Da finds out."

I blanched. Oh no. I could not let Da find out. Kris had been my girlfriend less than a month. If Da found out, he'd make up some ridiculous statute or bylaw or school code bent on upholding the virtue of his school and his only son. Don't get me wrong, I loved the man, but… "You wouldn't dare, you wouldn't dare take this away from me." I hissed.

"You doubt me baby brother, after all these years? Consider this revenge for that time you accidentally flushed all my earrings down the toilet." She teased and the door clicked open.

My eyes narrowed. "Ciara," I half-threatened half-begged, completely awake by now. "I'm begging you. You can't tell Da. Kris is possibly one of the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love her, Ciara. I really, really do. If you tell Da, he'll take that away from me. I promise you, I'll be miserable without her. And if I'm miserable, you will be miserable."

Ciara rolled her eyes. "Oh give it a rest Raleigh, you are _so _overdramatic!" With an evil grin not entirely unbecoming of my twenty-year-old sister, Ciara skipped out of the pantry. "See you at dinner, hmm baby brother?"

Oh bloody fecking hell.

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Dinner at the O'Connor household normally consisted of loud chatter, laughter and general folderol. Tonight, the air had changed. Ciara had yet to tell Da what she'd learned from me in the pantry. Years of living my sister had taught me she'd probably share when both of my parents were present so as to lessen the chances of me harming her. She'd refrained from mentioning it at lunch this afternoon and had been eyeing me maliciously ever since. Even now, she and Gemma sat across from me occasionally putting their heads together to giggle about something. Bloody sisters. They weren't good for anything.

"Hey, sugar muffin," Gemma said sweetly, "Wanna pass your sister the potatoes?"

Blushing a furious red, I practically thrust the potatoes into her waiting hands. Leave it to my idiot sisters to dredge up some embarrassing nickname from ages ago.

My eldest sister quickly caught on, while Caoimhe sat beside me, stealing my carrots while I wasn't looking.

"Oh, sugar muffin! You're so good at sharing. Aren't you proud Da?" Ciara asked, resting her head on her hand.

Da looked up from his slab of meat, a bemused smile on his face. "Of course I am, _a rún. _But Raleigh's sixteen next week. I'm sure he's more than capable of sharing by now."

"Sure he is," Gemma supplied generously, an angelic smile gracing her lips. "But he doesn't share everything does he?"

Those little feckers. They were like terriers on rat. I bet they planned this whole conversation out before hand.

My dear mother narrowed her eyes. "Gem, Ciara. Please stop accusing your brother at the dinner table."

Gemma's eyes widened in surprise. "But Ma!"

"Don't you dare 'But Ma' me Gemma Isabel. Your Da goes back to work tomorrow. This is the last dinner I'll have with all five of us until Easter. Now behave!"

"But he has a girlfriend Ma!" Ciara protested. "His secret American roommate _girlfriend_ whose pants he desperately wants entry into."

My father near about had a coronary right at my dining room table. I near about murdered them both with my butter knife.

"He what?" my father managed, thumping at his chest.

"Da," I said warily, eyeing him with caution and worry. My father wasn't a young man any more. How could my sisters do this? "Da, just…calm down now. I can explain."

My father's eyes bulged, obviously displeased. "Are you or are you not dating Kris Smith?" He demanded.

Well, this was a bloody mess. Damn my interfering sisters. I couldn't lie to my father when he looked like this. How on Earth was I supposed to get any free time with my girlfriend now?

"Well, erm…yeah, yeah I am…" I shifted awkwardly in my chair. Ma looked scandalized but my dear and darling sisters looked victorious.

"Ha! You owe me five more Euros Gem! Told you he'd break when Da asked!" Ciara crowed triumphantly, holding her hand out for the money.

Disgruntled, Gemma fished around in her pocket. "This is isn't fair. You only won the first one because you kept cornering him places." She grumbled.

"Girls," my mother sounded stern, the scandalized look still plastered to her face. "Have you been betting on your brother?"

Gemma shrugged, pulling out a wad of bills. "Only mildly. When his love life is concerned. By the way Rals, did you break up with Deidre or did she break up with you? I had twenty down on her."

Why did the fact my sisters treated me like their own personal racehorse not surprise me?

"She broke up with me." I said my eyes still trained worriedly on my father, whose face had yet to fade from its blood red and blotchy hue. He looked a little like a severely uncooked steak and it scared me. "Da, are you alright?"

"How long has this been going on young man?" My father's calm voice overrode Gemma's cries of, "Ha! I can keep this! Fork over 5 Euros."

The room grew quiet; all attention was now on me. I blinked, caught in the metaphorical headlights.

"Err…we only start dating the day before she left." I replied cautiously, fiddling with the tablecloth. Caoimhe had moved on from stealing my carrots and was now quietly stealing my beef.

Swiftly and silently, my father got up from the table. Casting me a troubled, searching look he headed out of the room. "I'll be in my study, trying to clean up my son's newest mess."

Stunned and hurt I watched him go. My newest mess? Did he really disapprove of me that much? It stung more than I thought it would.

"Is there going to be afters?" My baby sister asked hopefully as some of my meat fell off her plate and on to the floor.

My Ma threw up her hands in defeat.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Da didn't come out of his study for the rest of the night, but his words stayed with me. "My son's newest mess." Sure, I goofed off a little. Alright, I goofed off probably more than I should. But for the most I made sure no one knew it was me! I knew what it meant to be the headmaster's son. I knew whatever I did affected him too. I guess I'd never really thought of exactly how much I affected him.

But there would be plenty of time for brooding over that later. Now, my cat was out of its bag. My entire family knew about what Kris and I did in our free time. Not like we had any free time together: her flight doesn't land in Dublin for another five days, two days before my sixteenth birthday.

My entire family knew but my friends didn't. They had no clue their best mate and their newest friend currently had a fling. Well, something that hopefully would be more than a fling. Anyway they'd want to know. The longer I waited, they more peeved they'd be. Jake, of course, would take the news poorly. Finn would probably say he'd figured it all along. Then would come the obligatory gloating period in which Finn would shoot me smug 'I knew it' looks and Jake sulk like a five-year-old for at least a week before deciding he really was happy for me. After that, things would settle down again.

I knew exactly what lay ahead for me, now came the simple matter of who to call first. Which did I want more; angry depression or smug happiness? Grimacing, I picked up the phone by my bed and punched in the number.

After two rings, someone picked up.

"Raleigh," Finn's voice was tinted with surprised. We didn't normally call him when he was with family. "How are things across the channel and an island over?"

"Just peachy, really." I grumbled, not wanting to tell him quite yet. Having a secret felt nice. "How's France?"

I could almost picture him raising an eyebrow. "_Ça va, mon ami_. Now why the hell did you really call me? We both know you didn't call me up just to blather about my holiday."

Damn. He's good. I'd forgotten how perceptive Finn could be when he wanted. Better cut to the chase then and give him more of a chance to gloat.

"Kris and I are dating."

After a short pause, Finn replied. "Are you now? Not surprising. You've been staring at her like a man who's found religion for a while now, even before you broke up with the She Devil. I am, of course, assuming Kris is the reason the pair of you, err, called it off."

Right, put it politely as if he hadn't been in the room to hear the effin' and blindin' pouring out of my phone after I'd told Deidre that if it came to down to her or Kris, I'd pick Kris. How nice. Finn always did have more tact than Jake. Not like that was a hard task to accomplish.

"Deidre dumped me," I clarified. "But, yeah, Kris had er…motivational status in the process."

Finn must've snorted, over the phone it just sounded like static. "Well congratulations on getting your bird of choice, Rals. Now that the pair of you are doing a line, I don't want to hear about anything and I really mean _anything_ that happens between you. I'd like to keep my virgin ears clean thanks."

Relaxing, I rolled my eyes. Finn had taken this just as I thought he might: extremely well. "Oh dry up. You have not got 'virgin ears'."

"Yeah, well, my parents don't know that do they? Anyway, you better tell Jake before he walks in on you at it or something."

Before I could protest angrily and with much steam that for the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph that Kris and I were not at it, Finn hung up.

Now for the call I didn't want to make. Casting a reluctant glance at the phone in my hand, I slowly dialed my best mates' number.

It rang three times before he answered.

"'Lo?" the boy sounded like he'd just woken up.

"Jake," there was no point of delaying the news, he wouldn't take any better five minutes from now than he would right now. "Err, I just thought you'd like to know that Kris and I are dating."

Thick, uncomfortable silence fell between us, before stretching to its limit and shattering.

"I suppose I ought to be happy?" he said, clearly narky now.

I sighed. "Jake, you don't have to make yourself happy for me. Although I'm sure Kris'd like you see you smiling when she gets back in five days."

My best mate muttered something suspiciously like, "I bet my fecking arse she would," before clearing his throat. "Well, is that all you called for?"

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. I'd accuse him of being difficult if I hadn't known this was coming. "Yeah, Jake, that's what I called for. I didn't want to blindside you or anything…"

"Right, well," Jake replied tersely. "Thanks, really. I'll be going now."

Before I could even say goodbye, he'd hung up. Wow, my friends have great manners. It's not like I wanted to talk to them or anything. Jaysus.

When Ma came up to fetch me for lunch, she found me throwing death glares to a predictably nonresponsive wall. In six short days, I'd turn sixteen. Shouldn't I be happy about this? Instead, I was sitting around sulking like a baby without a bottle because my best friends reacted exactly like I expected them to and my father hadn't spoken to me all day. Granted, the last part seemed something to sulk over but really…

"Raleigh, Da wants to talk to you." My Ma said as she dropped a large pile of my school clothes on my desk. "He's in his office."

"The one in school? Why the f-" my mother shot me a warning look, and I quickly amended myself. "Why the hell is he in there?"

Ma shrugged. "He wants you, regardless of where he is. Now scat. This room needs cleaning and since its current inhabitant seems incapable of doing so…"

Ignoring the pointed remark on my lack of general cleanliness, I headed off to see my Da.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Da waited for me behind his impressive desk, face weary and aged. "Raleigh, sit down."

Déjà vu much? I seemed to be getting called into this place more often these days. For which I wholeheartedly blame Kris.

"Listen, son, I'm happy you and Kris seem to be…getting along quite well," my father began. "And I'm glad you're moving on from that horrendous ginger," Oh honestly, was there anyone I knew who had actually liked my ex? I mean, really. "But…"

"But…?" I prodded, frowning slightly.

"I can't have you two rooming together any more, son. Neither can the Board of Governors. It's just not proper."

Screw what's proper! He can't rob me of my roommate again! Hadn't we gone over this at the start of last term? Kris and I had both consented we liked living together! My face crafted itself into a dangerously moody storm as my father continued.

"So I've found you a new roommate, and set up some rules for you and Kris to follow. The rules can wait until Kris returns but for now, your new roommate…"

Who the hell did he get to be my roommate? Everyone had one already. Did he spilt people up or something? Maybe he gave me Finn or Jake, that'd be nice. Well, not so much Jake at the moment but Finn would be nice.

The door handle turned and I stared at it curiously, wondering exactly how fast someone could get here from France. Then a pair of Armani loafer clad feet appeared, followed closely by a head of dark well-kept hair and a pair of unfortunately familiar piercing blue eyes.

Oh hell to the fecking no. No. I was not rooming with _Artemis Fowl._

I stared at my father in abject horror.

Artemis spoke. "You needed me, Headmaster?"

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**Still looking for kind Irish people to help me get the school system correct! Next chapter will be from Artemis, and the chapter after that will be Kris. Hope you liked it! Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you, and misses you when you're gone**. _xxx Moda_


	3. On The Subject of Lines

**Memo**: Oh dear, sorry this chapter took so long. For awhile, it was in a very unhealthy place: it did not want to be written, I did not want to write it, Artemis did not want to be without Kris... All in all, it was a Struggle. So much so, for awhile it was simply known as the Struggle chapter. Luckily, my almighty beta-reader came along and whipped everything into shape. So a vast majority of the Struggle didn't make the cut. Thank you all for the most lovely reviews, on this and TGASB!. I always get so excited when someone reviews, I throw a little party with myself. In 20 days, I leave for college, so the update might not be the most timely one yet. But you'll get it, and you'll love it, and the Coffee Capital of the US might make an appearance. In other news...

_thank you to undaunted_scholar for getting my butt in line and being a wonderful beta._

**Disclaimer: All these years gone by, and still I haven't found the rights to Artemis Fowl online. What a waste! Eoin Colfer owns it all.**

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**Chapter Three: On The Subject of Lines**

"_It doesn't matter how hard you try to remove me_

_I think you will agree_

_That if one of us dies then the other dies too_

_I am locked in war with you__"_

"You needed me Headmaster?" I asked as I stepped in to his office. The man had called my house last night, requesting my presence at the school as soon as possible.

"Ah, Artemis. Thank you for joining us." The old man said, gesturing for me to take a seat. "I hope I did not interrupt your holiday."

Raising an eyebrow, I took a seat. He worried about interrupting my holiday? What a pointless worry. I had spent most of it pouring over the disc I had given Mulch, trying to find a way to trick Kris's mind wipe. This hardly constituted a holiday.

"You interrupted nothing sir." I replied smoothly, my lips twitching themselves into a forced half-smile. "May I ask why I was called here?"

"Of course. I was hoping that you would be…willing to help me out with a small problem. It seems my son will be need of a new roommate."

My eyes shot up to meet his. What did he mean? Had Kris decided to stay in the States? This could complicate things. Forcing myself to keep calm, I asked, "What happened to Kristina?"

At the same time, Raleigh finally found his voice. "Da, there has got to be someone else in need of a roommate. Someone besides Fowl."

Mr. O'Connor cleared his throat and his son fell silent. "It has just recently come to my attention that Kristina and my son should not room together for the duration of the term."

"We're dating, not threatening to kill each other!" Raleigh cut in; obviously this was not a new argument.

Dating? He and Kris? Dating? My eyes narrowed. When I told him to look after her for me, actually dating her never entered my picture. Kris belonged with me not this, this…Neanderthal. Obviously he had misunderstood me. When I said 'take care of her' I didn't mean 'go ahead and date her, I'm clearly over her and don't want her back'. I take back whatever I had told him earlier about owing him a favor. All I owed him was a big fat kick up the ass.

"As I was saying," the Headmaster's voice rose above his son's complaints. "My son has recently found himself in a need of a new roommate."

"I do not _need_ a new roommate!" Raleigh hissed, glaring at me.

Oh. This conversation couldn't head anywhere good. "You want me to…fill in this new vacancy." My lip curled up, making it completely obvious how much I looked forward to this situation.

"Not want Artemis. Require. I am not about to let my son's virtue be compromised."

It was hard to tell which one of us disliked the idea more. Raleigh looked like his father had just offered to castrate him as a birthday present. The look on my face must have been something just as severe because the Headmaster shot us both a tempering glare.

"There is no talking or bribing," here he threw a glance in my direction. "There is no way out of this. The School Board backs my decision. And your mother Artemis, showed much joy in the thought of you finally making friends and hanging out with real teenagers for once."

A pale flush swept my cheeks. He had spoken to my mother? She had agreed to all of this? She had told Raleigh's father I didn't have any friends and the man had proceeded to tell his son. The son I would now be rooming with. Oh the indignation!

"You haven't got any friends Fowl?" O'Connor snickered, looking smug. "That's not surprising."

I blinked coolly. Two could play the insult game. "You haven't got any brain cells O'Connor? That's not surprising."

He colored angrily and opened his to mouth to retort, but before he got anything out his father cut in.

"Well I hate to break up what will most likely be the start to a lovely and mature conversation, but we have more important things to discuss. As we speak, a team of movers is busy transferring Kris's belongings into Artemis' old room and bringing Artemis' belongings into your current room Raleigh. By the way Artemis, the safe you had secretly installed in your bathroom will not be travelling with you."

They found my safe? That had contained all of my fairy info. Good thing I'd taken the files out of it. God only knows I needed more people sticking their noses where they didn't belong.

"You will be able to sleep in your new bed tonight Artemis if you don't wish to return home."

Return home to Mother, who apparently had the sudden urge to become domestic and go around meddling in her only child's life? And Father, whose post-kidnapping cheerfulness I had still not gotten used to? Yes, that would be wonderful. What a great experience, sign me up.

"Kris, of course, will have to be informed. And there are rules that Raleigh and Kris will have to follow."

"For the love of god Da, it's a relationship not a standardized test." Raleigh griped.

"Raleigh James," his father scolded. "Please, for once, just listen to me."

"I listen to you all the time!" O'Connor protested.

All right, I was not sitting through a family feud. I had better things to do. Like getting back to figuring out how to break Kris's mind wipe. "Are we done here?"

The old man switched his attention back to me. "Yes. We're done. I assume you're staying here then?"

I nodded.

"The movers should be done in a few hours."

With a short nod I got up and walked out of the room, leaving a bickering father and son behind.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

_Tap, tap, tap, tap._ My pen beat insistently at my new desk.

_Tap, tap, tap, tap. _

Kris and Raleigh were doing a line.

A pair of hazel eyes glared at me from across my new room, daring me to continue. Unfazed, I glared back.

_Tap, tap, tap, tap._

Kris, my Kris, the girl I loved, was doing a line with someone determinedly not me.

"Are you going to stop that?" Raleigh O'Connor growled as he sprawled himself across his bed.

"Does it bother you?" I asked my new roommate, pausing my pen for a moment.

"Immensely."

I smirked, "Then no."

_Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap._

Did Raleigh really think I would find this out and let them stroll along hand-in-hand, lovey-dovey?

"You know," I said all too casually, controlling the irritation simpering inside my chest. "Usually when a bloke asks another bloke to take of a girl for him, he doesn't mean: go ahead and date her."

"You asked me to take care of her, didn't you? Because you couldn't?" Raleigh shot back, his eyes narrowed. "That's what I'm doing. Besides, I happen to care about her."

Care about her. Right. How bloody brilliant.

"_Take care of her_, yeah. Look after her make sure she doesn't get hurt. Not date her. This is really a simple concept, I'm not quite sure why you fail to grasp it."

Raleigh snorted, the color in his cheeks rising dangerously. "Oh right, because I have to run all my relationships by you and my Da now apparently."

Any pretense of friendliness I had left vanished. No way I would stand by and let this little idiot flaunt the one person that made this godforsaken school bearable. "You don't seem to understand me boy. Kris belongs with me."

"What exactly don't I understand? Because the way I see it, you've got no claim on her. Kris doesn't remember you. Every time someone brings you up, her face goes blank and she changes the subject. You didn't even care for her! Maybe you've forgotten that part but you said so yourself. Then she shows up again, right as rain without your fecking help and you think she's yours? Figure it out Genius Boy. She's over you. Get over her."

The testosterone in the room throbbed heavily, threatening to take a life of its own and eat us both.

For a moment blood pounded hard through my veins and I saw red. For the first time in my life, I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to show him, with force, exactly how much I was not over Kris. I wanted to show him exactly to how many lines he had just crossed. Pure unadulterated anger lashed across my eyes and Raleigh took a step back.

"You have no idea." I hissed. "No idea what I would do for her, what I have done for her."

How dare he speak about my relationship with Kris as if he had some idea of what went on between us? She meant more to me than he could ever imagine ever begin to fathom. His words were spears, meant to cut deep and they did. Kris didn't remember me. After our encounter before break, she might even be scared of me. But I could fix that. I could fix everything between us and then it would be me wearing an arrogant smirk and Raleigh looking furious and jilted.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Two nights later Holly came to call. More precisely, she came to hover outside my window. Raleigh had never expressly said I couldn't have friends over, but the "if another freak like you comes anywhere near my stuff or me I going to hurt you" I received before he left, again, wasn't exactly a welcome mat.

"Explain to me again why I can't come inside?" Holly said irritably, hovering just outside the window frame.

"This isn't just my room any more. And somehow I think my roommate doesn't want anyone I know entering the premises." I explained, failing to control my smirk.

"Do you know why I'm here, Artemis?"

She was cutting straight to the chase then, how surprising. Then again, neither of us had ever been a fan of idle chatter.

"I expect you are here to find Kristina," I said coolly. Part of me had feared this. They would come recognizing the mistake Holly had made and wipe her mind completely. This would only make my job of completely eradicating their mind wipe so Kris would remember me again a little bit more difficult.

Holly stared at me, something akin to pity in her eyes, and said nothing.

"She isn't here." I stated.

"We know she's not here Artemis." The elf said softly.

I leaned forward on the windowpane frowning slightly. "If you know she isn't here, why come? I have work to do."

"You're not working, you're plotting."

"Plotting what?" I snapped. "I'm in school if you hadn't noticed."

Normally I wouldn't pick fights with Holly but something about rooming with Raleigh left me rather short fused. I'd never lived in such close courters with someone before and it unnerved me. When he wasn't busy completely avoiding me, Raleigh just seemed to take up so much…space. Mother and Father never took up that much space. Nor did they live in the same room as me, or throw things at my head in the morning. But that was clearly not the point and Holly had not flown up to the surface to listen to me bitch and moan about my roommate.

"Listen Artemis, I know you. You may think otherwise but I do. So don't try to kid me by telling me you haven't been spending every minute finding a way to make the Mud Girl yours again." Rarely had I seen Holly look this stern. She must be serious.

"Obviously you don't know me as well as you'd hoped. I haven't been spending every minute finding a way to make Kris mine." Strictly speaking, this was true. I had also spent a fair chunk of time making sure that the giant buffoon Raleigh James O'Connor didn't have a comfortable moment for the next week and a half.

Holly gave me another critical look. "Listen, all I came here to say was that she has to forget Artemis. If she doesn't, the Council will have my head."

Understandable. But if she thought I would just stand by and let it happen then she really didn't know me. "I know. So you should I'm not going to let her forget that easily. I'm not letting her get away from me again Holly."

"We can't let her remember again, it's far too dangerous. She already slipped up once."

"Then why tell me you're coming? You could've wiped her when she got back and avoided this whole mess."

"Well, I had hoped…" She trailed off.

Holly had hoped I would help her. She wanted me to further destroy whatever threads of relationship remained between Kris and I. She truly did not know me at all. Or perhaps she did not know what I had become over the period of a few short weeks. She did not know what Kris had crafted me in to. I refuse to lose Kris again. I refuse.

"You're my last hope, Artemis. This is my last hope. They've got me on probation."

Well, I certainly hadn't expected that. At least I had not expected it at this very moment. Holly was rather gutsy for law enforcement.

"What do you mean 'I'm your last hope'?" Perhaps she was being overdramatic. If I had learned anything about girls from my experience with Kris, it was that overdramatic tendencies came with the package.

"I mean Fowl, that if Kristina somehow emerges with her memories in tact then it's the end of my career in pretty much any field imaginable. Traitors to the People do not generally find themselves in the top picked job applicants pile."

I could feel the choice layered within her words. It came down to two things, clean and simple. I lose Kris or I lose my friendly contacts, as well as any sort of favor I held in the LEP and underworld. She would make me chose between the two. Chose between the life I wanted, the life I could have and the life I had created for myself.

"I'm not losing her again Holly. I couldn't handle that."

"You haven't really got much of a choice. Even if you make her remember, she'll just have to forget again."

I set my jaw, my voice tense. "I will find a way around this. Kris will be mine again."

Once again, those looks of pity shot through Holly's eyes. "Artemis…why do you always seem to want the most impossible things?"

Careful not to hit my head on the window frame, I straightened up. "Nothing is impossible. I can't help you on this Holly. And I'm sorry but I'm going to have to fight you on this." Why did it surprise me that my words rang true? Why did it surprise me to feel sorry? "There are humans all over this campus. Wouldn't it be…unfortunate if they found out about fairies? Certainly would make a lot work for any LEP representatives who happened to be in the area. Imagine all those mind wipes…" I turned away from the window, trying not to see the look of fury on Holly's face and shut my friend outside.

Lines had been drawn just now I could feel it. Possibly the type of line that couldn't be crossed again. Did I like where I had ended up? It wasn't exactly the winning side. They had the forces of the LEP behind them: Holly and the team she undoubtedly had hidden away somewhere. As for me, I had my brain and a girl who no longer loved me and currently couldn't remember who I am. Yes, lines had been drawn but my brain had never failed me yet and perhaps it was about time I picked the losing side. What a year this was turning out to be! And to think I hadn't wanted to come at all.

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**If you would like to know what I do with my life when I'm not writing, follow me on twitter. (justaravenclaw.) I warn you, my tweets are boring. Don't forget to drop the Rabid Review Rabbit a line! xxx Moda**


	4. The Purpose of Boyfriends

**Memo**: Why hello! It has been 26 days, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Anyhow, this is my first official post from my college dorm room. Ugh, weird. Point of this news: School has resumed. My wonderful beta writer has also resumed the daunting task known as education. Hopefully, this will not put too much of a damper on my writing. I appear to have quite the large amount of free time at the mo', but that could change. I had fun writing this chapter, and I very much hope you have fun reading it.

Thanks to:

_mtzBEN_, for recognizing the Chameleon Circuit quote at the beginning of the last chapter. Whovians, unite!

_undaunted_scholar_, as always, for being a wonderful beta.

**Disclaimer: Once, I had this dream that I was Eoin Colfer and this was actually publishable material. ...Then I woke up.

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**Chapter Four: The Purpose of Boyfriends**

Returning to Ireland felt very much like returning home. The view from Dublin International airport looked almost exactly like the view from SeaTac: flat and wet. I could make out raindrops in the air and on the windows as well, and the thought of rain made me smile. All the way across an ocean and the rain hadn't changed one bit. It drizzled in Dublin just the same way it drizzled in Seattle. The concept comforted me.

Raleigh meet me at the airport, just like he had promised in his last e-mail, waiting for me just beyond the baggage claim. Seeing him again made my chest swell. I couldn't help myself I ran all the way to him and flung myself around his neck. The way I had missed him was entirely unreasonable, especially considering we'd been dating for two weeks and had only been in the same country for two days of that time period. But Raleigh represented everything in my life that remained calm and stable. He held me together when everything fell apart.

"Well hello you to too, _a chumann._" He said with a smile, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Hi." I smiled back as the jittery boyfriend high wore off. "Do me a favor, won't you?"

"Mm, depends." Raleigh replied playfully before resting his chin on my head.

"Don't mention my parents for the next few weeks."

Mom and Dad had been less than ecstatic about my decision to return to Ireland. For the three days leading up to my departure I had been received the hardcore version of the silent treatment. Then, just this morning, Mom had exploded. Crying and yelling, she went on a long vein of pent up worry proclaiming that it had been a horrible idea to send me overseas in the first place. She went on to say that if she'd had any idea what kind of school I would be going to, she wouldn't have applied for me. Around this point, Dad chimed in adding that the time away from home hadn't been good for my psyche, that prolonged culture shock had a hold on me. The kidnapping, he argued, had messed with my head and I needed to stay home and sort myself out. Needless to say, they had been less than pleased when I told them I had a life in Ireland, too, and I wasn't just going to up and leave it. I had taken a cab to the airport. They had refused to drive me.

"Alright," he agreed readily. "As long as you don't mind talking about mine rather a lot."

Confused, I pulled away to look up at him. "What?"

"My Da knows."

Jetlag had started to set in and I couldn't immediately connect the dots. "What do you mean Fine Young Gentleman?"

Raleigh snorted, amused. "I mean he knows about us. About the dating thing."

Shock filtered through my face. Hadn't Raleigh wanted a few weeks to ourselves before everyone knew? Now his father knew. If his dad knew, I assumed Jake and Finn knew as well. Maybe that's why they hadn't come along to pick me up. Somehow I doubted Jake had taken the news gracefully.

"Oh." I blinked. "Erm, is this a good thing?"

Judging by the scowl on my boyfriend's face, the answer to that question was a resounding no. "You're not my roommate anymore." I opened my mouth to protest but Raleigh shook his head. "It's not use, love, I've already tried to talk him out of it and it isn't going to happen. So from now on, I will be rooming with Fowl, and you get a room to yourself."

A phrase caught my attention. "Fowl?" I couldn't help but giggle. "You're rooming with chickens?"

The corners of Raleigh's mouth twitched up momentarily. "In a matter of speaking, yeah. Now let's get your luggage and get you home. Da wants to speak with us."

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Headmaster O'Connor's office hadn't changed much since the last time I visited. The room still radiated authority and as I sunk into one of the chairs in front of his desk, I couldn't quite shake the feeling that I had gotten myself into trouble. Raleigh didn't look nearly as nervous as I did as he sat next to me. The only readable emotion on his face was annoyance.

"Hello Kristina," Mr. O'Connor's voice rumbled and it soothed me. "I understand that you and my son are now…an item."

I nodded. Next to me Raleigh fidgeted impatiently, clearly ready for this to be over and done with.

"As…happy as I am to hear about your relationship," Here he paused as his son made a loud and disbelieving noise in the back of his throat. Something must have seriously gone down while I was away. "You must understand that for propriety's sake guidelines must be put in place." Guidelines? Since when had my relationship with his son become some sort of standardized test? The man continued without giving any sign he had seen the doubt etched across my face. "Although it's generally an issue we have to deal with often the entire Board of Governors agrees with me that St. Bartleby's supports abstinence. Please keep the public displays of affection to a minimum. If you two are in a dorm room together I want the door to stay open. I don't want the two of you going places alone, either. Surely Jake would love to tag along on your…outings."

Unbelievable. 'St. Bartleby's supports abstinence'? I support the ASPCA, but you don't see me going around telling people with pets that an officer would now be following them everywhere 'just in case'. The old man had officially lost it. What on Earth was he trying to do?

"So, basically, Kris can be nothing more than a friend with benefits." Raleigh almost growled, and it took me a moment to get over how attractive his voiced sounded when it got that low to really digest what he had said.

"If you ever demote me to friend with benefits, I will smack you back to next Thursday." I threatened seriously.

Both men ignored me. "Raleigh," the headmaster said sternly. "We've been over this. The school has a reputation to uphold."

"Yeah, right, okay. We're leaving now." Raleigh seemed to spit out the words as he stood up, casting his father a dark look before stalking off.

Exasperated I followed him out with a roll of my eyes. Boys. "What was that about?" I asked as soon as we were out of earshot.

My boyfriend turned to me, the irritation draining out of his face as he looked at me. "Sorry about that," he apologized sheepishly. "Da's impossible. Hey, listen I'll show you your new room. We'll leave the door open and do whatever you want."

Currently, 'whatever I wanted' waivered between: smacking him upside the head for leading me in there completely unprepared, and the urge to jump his bones. Ugh. I really needed to get some semblance of control over my hormones. Biting my lip, I settled on neither. "All I want to do is curl up on my bed and sleep for days."

Raleigh's lips quirked up at the corners. "Well I think I can arrange that."

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

The first order of business in my new all to myself room was coaxing Raleigh into pushing the two twin beds together to create one giant, oversized pile of comfort in the middle of my room. After that it didn't take me long at all before I'd created a blanket nest in the middle of my creation and cuddled down. Raleigh had spread himself out behind me, stroking my hair in a lazy, affectionate sort of way.

"I missed you," he muttered, trailing his fingers through my curls.

Jetlag had caught up with me, and now that I'd buried myself under every single blanket my room provided I had to struggle to keep my eyes open. "I missed you, too." I murmured.

"You know," he mused, a faint edge of amusement in his voice. "You're possibly the only sane person in my life."

"Why is that funny?" I asked as I gave up and closed my eyes. "Besides Finn is far more sane than I am."

Whatever nonverbal response Raleigh made, I couldn't see it and a moment passed before he spoke again. "Kris, you spent half of last term using me as a personal doodling board."

Oh yeah. That certainly had been fun. Giggling, I yawned and listened to the sounds of people passing in the hall. "Do we really have to leave the door open?"

Raleigh made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat. "Let's indulge my father just a little bit longer, okay love? Give Da two weeks of his rules and then we'll see."

Two weeks seemed like an awful long time to let people stand in my doorway and stare at us. "Why? He wouldn't do this for anyone else."

"He's just worried. Sure he's being a right arse about it, but he just wants me to be happy."

I snorted. "Right because happy described you so well when he told you."

Footsteps from the hall grew louder, and a familiar voice came from somewhere near the door. "So Raleigh, when were going to tell me your new lover finally came home?"

A soft thud and a chuckle followed these words; Raleigh must've thrown one of my pillows.

"Hey, Finn." I yawned again.

"Hey, beautiful. So your Da really did spilt you to up?" he asked, and I could feel his weight on the mattress as he sat down.

"Yeah," Raleigh sounded thoroughly tired of the subject. "He did. I'm rooming with Fowl now."

Finn laughed loudly, jerking me out of my state of almost sleep. "Well, that'll certainly serve for…entertainment. Just remember, I'm not visiting you in jail for manslaughter."

"Hey, I won't kill him if he doesn't try to kill me first." My boyfriend muttered darkly, wrapping an arm around my waist as if to remind himself I was still there.

His friend plowed on as if he hadn't heard what Raleigh said. "Don't be too hard on your ole man, I'm sure he's just trying to protect your virtue or something."

"Well that's just bloody cute, because I haven't got any left to protect." Raleigh grumbled.

Now _that_ was more than enough to force me awake. Twisting in his arms, I turned to stare at him in disbelief. What kind of country was this? "You're only fifteen!" I exclaimed hotly.

This didn't seem to faze him in the slightest. "Only for two more days."

"You're only fifteen!" I repeated, as he clearly had not gotten the point the first time around.

"Deidre and I dated for a year and a half, you know." How did he remain calm for this?

"You're fifteen!" I spluttered.

"Kris, love, calm down. It's really not that bad."

Ugh, sure. It wasn't that bad to him. I, on the other hand, seemed to be incapable of not freaking out. First my parents, then his father and now this, I didn't need any more surprises today. I needed a nap. And possibly something to cuddle.

"I need to sleep," I said at last. "Which means you should leave."

Raleigh nodded, kissing my head before he left. Finn tussled my hair, told me he was glad to have me back and followed his friend out.

Exhausted, I closed my eyes again and let the fatigue and jetlag take over.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

The next morning I woke up to the smell of coffee, Raleigh's gentle humming, and the strong desire to strangle a panda.

"Morning sunshine," he said with a yawn.

"Kill me now…" I moaned in return, rolling back over and clutching my stomach.

"You missed breakfast so I brought you some coffee." My boyfriend sat down on the bed next to me.

"Don't want coffee." I grumbled and for the first time in exactly a month, that statement was entirely true. All I wanted right now was to remain curled up in a ball with a tub of ice cream and watch television for days.

"You don't want coffee?" he asked his voice colored with surprise.

"I want ice cream. And Don."

"_A chumann_, it's not even eight in the morning."

"Did someone sledgehammer you in the uterus this morning?" I griped, curling into a ball.

Raleigh looked completely baffled, and more than a little uncomfortable. "Erm, no… I can't say someone did…"

"Then you can't understand my need for comfort foods and fictional characters. How the hell are you so damn perky anyway?" Complaining seemed to be my forte at the moment. "It's not eight yet, usually you can barely form coherent sentences."

Raleigh shrugged and gestured towards the coffee. "I've started drinking it, makes it easier."

So he had been stealing my coffee. Jerk face.

"Just get me ice cream. Please."

Eventually, he consented. "Alright, alright. I'll get your ice cream. Hopefully it will make you more pleasant."

"Hey now, aren't boyfriends supposed to be nice?" I said defensively.

"Aren't girls not supposed to like talking about feminine issues?" he countered.

Oh, touché. I kissed the hand he ran across my cheek as he left and contented myself to lie in misery until the ice cream returned. My eyes had just begun to close when I heard a voice from inside my room.

"Kristina Smith."

I rolled over, curious. The voice certainly didn't belong to Finn or Jake and only one person at this school called me Kristina. Sure enough a pair of startling blue eyes stared down at me. The boy from my Physics class. What on Earth was he doing here? Had Raleigh not closed the door after he left?

"Hey," I said cautiously, still nauseous and in desperate need of sugar. "Umm, I don't know you and you're in my room…and I think I'm in my pajamas…"

Something that might have been amusement flashed across the boys beautiful eyes but when I looked again it had gone. "My name is Artemis Fowl."

Fowl…the name rang a bell. "Oh, I do know you!"

I had never seen eyes like his, for brief moments they showed the most intense emotions and every other moment they showed nothing at all. At the moment all I could see was hope: crazy and uncontrolled.

"You're rooming with my boyfriend now, aren't you? And you sit next to me in Physics. I thought I asked you to stay away from me."

Once again, his eyes shut down. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier, in the Physics room. I was…out of hand." His voice had an odd edge to it. It almost seemed like he was fighting with himself over something. "I said things that shouldn't have been said."

My mind flashed back to our last encounter and all the bizarre things he had promised me. Did he still think he wanted to 'fix us'? Because there really wasn't much for him to fix. I'd never met him before.

"Well that's peachy. Listen, I'm still in my phi's and I'm sort of waiting for something…" It wasn't exactly like I wanted him gone, per say, although he definitely still gave off that slightly creepy vibe. I merely wanted to be alone.

"Then I will make this short. I have apologized for my actions before and was merely wondering if I could start again, on a new foot."

Now he'd lost me. "Speak English please, Artemis Fowl." I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"I would very much like to be your friend." The words rang sincere his eyes did as well.

"Friend?" I repeated as he nodded slightly. Just the sight of him made me consider it. This boy in his pristine Armani suit, standing in my room before eight in the morning acting like this was some sort of business venture. The way he asked for my friendship sounded as if he thought it was something he could possibly buy. The very idea tickled me silly. Under normal circumstances, it might've made me want to smack him but the hormones currently raging war on my body made everything seem a little silly.

"Sure Artemis Fowl," I said at last. "I'll be your friend."

For the first time since I had known him, Artemis Fowl smiled.

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_**Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I'm getting pretty damn good at this tweeting business (justaravenclaw). Don't forget the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you oh so very much! xxx Moda**_


	5. You Win Some You Lose Some

**Memo**: Merry Christmas, all! (It's still Christmas where I live so I feel no guilt saying this.) Yes, I am still alive. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I totally did not expect it to turn out this long. At all.

_thanks to undaunted_scholar, the most wonderful beta._

**Disclaimer: I still haven't gotten the rights to Artemis Fowl for Christmas. Darn.**

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**Chapter Five: You Win Some You Lose Some**

_Omnia mutantur, nihil interit_

_(Everything changes, nothing is lost.)_

Out of all the places above the Earth, nowhere felt more like home than the Irish countryside. Trouble and the others had set up camp about fifty miles away from the sprawling school grounds, close enough for convenience and far enough not to get detected. Even with the best wings, the jaunt took at least thirty minutes. Plenty of time to give a fairy room to think. Considering all that had just happened, I believe I had enough to think about.

The one human asset the LEP had ever managed to acquire and keep had just turned his back on them. All for a human girl he'd known for less than a month. Part of me remained cautiously optimistic that Artemis had at last seemed to develop a working heart accompanied by a new set of emotions. Now, at least, I could be certain he really was a Mud Man. Occasionally, he gave me doubts with the chilling way he seemed to disregard everyone around him. Granted, recently, Artemis seems to have done a complete 180°, throwing everything he had ever strived for, away just for one human girl. I couldn't make sense of an Artemis Fowl in love. Artemis Fowl, the genius mastermind, I knew and it was with him that I danced the thin line between friendship and hate. My forte was an Artemis Fowl who schemed and plotted. Love-struck teenagers with a brain too big for their own good and enough information to take down several empires and a set of morals so flighty they might as well just be birds, was not my forte.

My knowledge of Artemis Fowl remained the only thing under and above this Earth that kept me from getting the sack. Now that knowledge wavered. Artemis Fowl in love possibly posed more danger to the People and this mission than Foaly had originally given him credit before. Sure, I had known that he wouldn't exactly just roll over and let us wipe Kristina's memory, but it didn't exactly take an idiot to figure that much out. The Artemis I had just encountered was a creature I hadn't seen the likes of years. The last time I'd seen that kind of look in his eyes, he was 11 and holding me captive in his manor. And that scared me. A determined Artemis meant a dangerous Artemis.

How far would Artemis go to keep us from ruining what he had created for himself? When he left me, he had threatened to expose my People. To keep us so busy that we couldn't get to Kris. That worried me. Artemis didn't frequently pose threats that he couldn't carry out. If he had to, I knew that Artemis wouldn't even flinch before he brought my whole world down around me. All he would have to do is carry on a conversation with someone else at the school and let word of mouth do the rest. Then, bam! One giant headache for the People and one giant distraction for the love-lost, teenage Mud Man.

I couldn't screw up this mission. Not with my career on the line. Out of all the times for Artemis to turn hormonal, he had to go and pick now. Not one part of me enjoyed the direction this operation was headed. Sure, I had known from the get go that it wouldn't be simple. Of course, I had known that dealing with Artemis made everything ten times more complicated. But, I hadn't exactly expected him to cast away everything he had seemed to cherish. To give up his connections with the People, the thing that gave him an even larger upper hand over humanity. He had nothing left to lose and I, my career, reputation and general respectability. I really couldn't screw up this mission.

Foaly clopped out to meet me, tail swishing, looking as paranoid as ever. "Holly!" he brayed. "Took you long enough. What did Artemis say to our deal?"

I landed next to him and slid off my helmet. "He told me no, in the most polite way. And by polite, I mean he's now a threat to our security as a species."

Foaly nickered, raising an eyebrow. "Well, didn't see that one coming."

"Neither did I," I grumbled. The last thing any of us expected was for Artemis Fowl to develop a love life.

Trouble Kelp met us closer to base. It had been his idea for me to visit Artemis in the first place. He thought that out of all the fairies on this team, Artemis trusted me the most. Major Kelp's plan consisted of me getting back on the genius's good side and convincing him somehow to give up on Kristina. Granted, it had been a long shot from the start, but the reaction I did get certainly came from out of nowhere.

"Go that well, Short?" Kelp asked as he led us back to the command center.

"Artemis will not be joining our side in any manner concerning the Mud Girl."

Kelp shrugged. "Ah, well it was a long shot anyway, but one that I figured we might as well try. We'll just have to move on to plan B then."

"Major Kelp," I said, grabbing hold of his arm to stop him. "There's more to it than that." We'd reached command. "He told me he was going to have to fight me on this. Major, he's threatening to tell the whole campus about us. Artemis is threatening to bring his knowledge of the People into the main stream."

My superior stared at me for a moment, as if it took him awhile to fully process what I had said. "How…unexpected." He seemed wary now.

Trouble had been head of the LEPretrieval for the ill-fated siege of Fowl Manor. He knew what it felt like to be one of the receiving end of Artemis at his best, or perhaps it had been Artemis at his worst. Either way, he knew exactly what we were up against now.

"We're going to have to regroup." He said, eyes sweeping over the camp. Night only lasted so long and our time on the surface grew slim. When the Council wanted results, it generally wanted them in a fast-like manner.

"Things just got out of hand." Trouble announced to nearby techies.

I couldn't agree more.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

The entire team sat around Foaly's above ground tech Mecca, watching the centaur pull up the audio files from my helmet and transmit them for all to hear. Soon, Artemis' digitally amplified voice ran throughout the site, cold and threatening as ever.

"Nothing is impossible. I can't help you on this Holly. And I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to fight you on this. There are humans all over this campus. Wouldn't it be…unfortunate if they found out about fairies? Certainly would make a lot work for any LEP representatives who happened to be in the area. Imagine all those mind wipes…"

A chill seemed to fall as Artemis's words set in. It would have seemed like a terrible betrayal had I not known everything the boy was capable of. Even so, everything felt more real now that I had heard his words, surrounded by other fairies, by the people whose safety and well-being had just been threatened by a hormonal teenager. And, I knew what was going to come next.

"We're going to have to wipe him, Short." Trouble looked directly at me.

I knew. I had seen this part coming, at least. Artemis had made himself a threat. The People didn't have many other ways of dealing with Mud Men threats. We didn't usually need them. Only two people had ever managed to break the mind wipe anyway. Now, we had to wipe one of them all over again.

The major stared at me, expectantly, obviously waiting for an answer.

"Yes, of course we do." I answered at last. Just one look at Trouble and I knew he hadn't expected me to agree so readily. Not that I could blame him. I'd never exactly shown much willingness on matters involving Artemis Fowl.

Major Kelp's suspicions hadn't faded. "You support this idea?" he asked, incredulously.

Breathing deeply, I steeled my eyes before replying. They had to believe I was serious about this. I _was_ serious about this. "Artemis may be a…friend of sorts, but he has shown me where his loyalties lie." They lay with the girl who could not remember him, the one who had hit him in the face and called him a bastard. Not like I didn't support these types of actions, hitting the genius and taking his ego down a few pegs had always proved satisfying. However…this time things had changed. I could see a glimmer of the old Artemis in him, now. The old, terrifying determination to have his way no matter what. That Artemis proved dangerous to anyone and everyone above or below the Earth. Lines had been drawn years ago, and he had crossed them.

"Artemis poses a threat to the People, to my people. I can't let him expose us."

Foaly nickered in approval. "There is a slight chance that the mind wipe would cause him to revert back to the way he was when we first…met him."

Major Kelp made the decision for us. "Given the circumstances, I think that's a risk we can take."

The room consented in quiet murmurs, shifting into whispers. No one wanted to protest, yet no one wanted the old mastermind back again. Protecting the safety of our People had never really involved putting them back into danger, before. This appeared to be the only way.

"This will have to happen as soon as possible." Trouble stood up and began to pace. "Foaly, how soon can you have everything set up?"

My friend swished his tail nervously, adjusting his foil hat. "It's ready now sir, if you need it."

Trouble had nodded his approval when I realized a flaw in his plan.

"We can't just barge in and take him, Major."

"Why not, Captain?" Trouble stopped his pacing and turned to look at me.

I took a breath. "Well, he's moved. And I'm not allowed in his new room. He has a roommate, you see and I get the impression he doesn't want anyone even vaguely associated with Artemis in the room."

The Major thought for a moment, sorting through the possibilities and weighing all of his options. We couldn't take him during the day it would be far too risky.

Frustrated, Kelp kicked at a nearby stump. "Is there anywhere on the grounds we are allowed to enter?"

"Artemis's old room." I said automatically.

"Doesn't the girl live there now?" he asked, automatically perking up again. Perhaps, this hadn't been such a bad turn after all.

I nodded and Major Kelp breathed something that sounded very much like 'excellent'. "That certainly works out well."

Did it ever. All it needed now was a bow and a gift tag. Perhaps all my years of working with Artemis had started to get to me, or perhaps I was just naturally paranoid, but something about this whole set up felt just a little off. Getting two mind wipes for the price of one, taking care of two of the People's niggling problems all in one fell swoop. Everything felt…just a little too convenient. This wouldn't be the first time Artemis had cards hidden up his sleeve. If I had learned anything about Artemis, it was that what he didn't say meant more than what he did. The battle wasn't over yet.

"We'll need to get them both in there and alone." Trouble said to me.

"Kristina's flight doesn't come in for another four days."

"Perfect. We'll have time to plan."

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

We got our chance three days after Kristina's flight touched down. Foaly's 24-hour surveillance gave us the green light and we landed on Kristina's windowsill.

Artemis sat on the opposite side of the room, his attentions completely absorbed in Kristina. The girl in question had sprawled herself across the bed and appeared to be explaining something in a very animated fashion, waving her hands around in excitement. A small, barely noticeable smile graced Artemis's lips and Trouble eased the window open.

Both heads turned to stare at the now drafty window as Major Kelp and I, some of Recon's best, slid in through the window. While Kristina merely looked curious, Artemis' eyes had immediately shifted from almost caring to cold and dangerous. He knew exactly what had just entered the room.

"Captain Short." He said, staring at the shimmering displacement of air that was my body. "No use playing, I know you're here."

I dropped my shield staring at Artemis. "Artemis."

Kristina's eyes lit up in recognition. "Holly!" She remembered me. Then quickly recognition turned to confusion as she cocked her head at Artemis. "How do you know Holly?"

A bitter sort of smile flashed across the boy's face. "It's a long story, Kristina. Well, Captain, I am assuming you did not come for us by yourself."

Trouble dropped his shield as well. Artemis gave him a good stare down, seemingly analyzing the Major. "Ah, Major Trouble Kelp. I've done my research, just as you have done yours." He answered our question before it got asked, determinedly not looking at the Mud Girl.

"Why are you here, Holly?" The question came from a very confused and out of her depth Kristina as she sat up on the bed.

"You're dangerous, Artemis." I whispered, knowing full well he could hear me.

Artemis' eyes seemed to burn into my very soul, chilling my bones. I had never been treated to his brand of poison before. So, this was how he got his way with everyone. I understood now. One look from eyes like those and you knew you stood face to face with a person who would stop at nothing to get their way, who had no bars held. For the first time in what felt like years, I stared into the eyes of Artemis the criminal.

"If I am dangerous now, Captain Short," he said not breaking eye contact once, "It is because you have made me so."

I found my voice at last. "Trouble?"

With a nod, my partner drew his gun, pulled the trigger twice and two Sleeper Deepers later, Artemis and Kristina sunk to the ground.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

By the time Artemis woke up again, the machine was hooked up and ready to go. Foaly had a constructed a small room for the interview and mind-wiping process. It was nothing as grand as what we had in Haven, but it would work. We had wiped Kristina first and none of us were taking chances this time around. Trouble sat in the corner, just in case something went wrong and just beyond him, a Recon team waited to gather any information or nest eggs Artemis had hidden away.

The genius stirred, opening his eyes. "Captain-"

I didn't allow him time to talk. "Hello, Artemis," I said, voice layered in the hypnotic tones of the Mesmer. "We're going to have a little talk now."

Artemis blinked, trying to fight the magic as it entered his brain. "Don't want to talk."

"It won't take long," I promised, focusing on keeping him under. "We're going to talk about Kristina."

Relaxing, Artemis's eyes slid out of focus. "Kristina," he repeated, almost desperately.

"You really care about her, don't you Artemis?"

"I love her." The genius's voice had that same desperate edge to it and I could tell he meant it.

"Of course you do, Artemis," I assured him. "And you'd do just about anything for her, wouldn't you?"

Here, Artemis frowned. "I'd do anything. Anything I could."

"Even if it meant tricking the fairies?" I asked.

"Especially if it meant tricking the fairies." He confirmed.

A few more layers of magical persuasion heaped themselves on to my voice. "What have you done to trick them, Artemis?"

The genius smiled, eyes crafty. "I got back all the Mulch files, the ones that helped me trick them the first time. All you need is something the brain can't deny, something so true it brings everything back."

A chill ran down my spine and Trouble shifted anxiously in the corner. He knew, he knew how to beat our trump card. "What did you find, Artemis? How are you going to bring Kristina back to you?"

Disheartened, Artemis's face fell. "She doesn't remember me, she doesn't even remember me."

"But you could fix that, couldn't you?"

The Mud Genius shook his head. "Couldn't get close enough. Not enough time. They found out. The fairies found out and they'll take her away from me forever by taking me away from her. They'll wipe my mind and she'll be gone forever, Kristina will be gone." He didn't seem to need my prompting any more. "But I'm smarter than they are, I've prepared for this. Butler knew what to do. He hid everything in the grounds, backed up all my files to a server in France. I put an Easter egg in the centaur's files, too. They'll e-mail themselves to me in a month. He'll never even notice it."

"Anything else?"

"I hid something in that O'Connor's, that idiot, dresser." He grinned again. "He'll find it and throw it at me and everything will come back."

"Besides that?"

"No, nothing else. But it will work. It has to work. I will get Kris back. I have to. I love her. I love her. I love her. I…" his voice trailed off, eyes still glazed.

I broke off the Mesmer, not looking at my old friend, my old enemy. This was for the good of the People. It didn't matter that I was taking away the one truly good thing that had ever happened to this boy. My People were in danger and my People came first. Feeling more than slightly guilty, I turned away from him. "Foaly, he's all yours."

As I walked away, Artemis's voice continued to ring in my ears. "_If I am dangerous now, Captain Short, it is only because you have made me so…It has to work…I love her._" I was doing the right thing here, I knew that much. I was doing the right thing by my People. I knew this. Then, why did I feel so awful?

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**Remember the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you!** Happy holidays. _xxx Moda_


	6. Justa Bumblin' Bunch O' Eejits

**Memo:** Please don't shoot me. At least I'm back? Now that I have returned, I do plan out sticking to my once a month schedule.

Caffler=idiot

Diddies=boobs

blather=talking/rambling

Codding=kidding

Blarney=nonsense

Bleedin' deadly=brilliant

A thousand eternal thank you's, as always, to my wonderful beta reader **undaunted_scholar**.

**Disclaimer**: **I wished I was Eoin Colfer on my birthday again this year. It didn't work. Again.**

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**Chapter Six:**** Justa Bumblin' Bunch O' Eejits **

_May you never forget what is worth remembering,_

_Or remember what is best forgotten._

_-Irish blessing_

"Rise and shine, morning glory!"

Light attempted to filter its way through the blinds, Artemis snored softly in the background, my alarm buzzed feebly and Kristina Smith had managed to break into my dorm room. Groaning, I rolled over and shoved a pillow over my head. Shit, it was too early for this.

"Come now, Raleigh," she scolded. "Birthday boys ought to behave better than this. Your mother would be ashamed."

Feeling rather eloquent, I flipped my girlfriend off before sitting up and running a hand through my hair. "Don't bring my mother into this," I managed to slur, staring at her groggily.

Kris laughed, eyes dancing and suddenly the idea of being awake didn't seem quite as hideous. After all, she was my girlfriend, my _girlfriend_, and this was about as alone as we were liable to get these days. Reaching out I pulled her down to my level before snuggling comfortably into her side. "Mmm, better." The dopey sort of smile that had taken hold of my lips would've merited hours of whipped jokes and cracks on my love life from Jake and Finn but all Kris did in response was laugh and twist around to face me.

For a moment we lay there, comfortable, content, and staring. Despite having seen her every day for the better part of the school year, I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of my girlfriend.

"_A chumann_." My voice was still thick with sleep and the words came out a little garbled. Luckily, Kris managed to get the gist of what I said. She wriggled her way under my sheets and rested her head on my shoulder.

"You know, you're really sexy when you're speaking like that," she commented idly.

I cocked an eyebrow. "Speaking like what, in Gaelic?"

Kris nodded. "It makes you sound more…accent-y than normal."

"Accent-y?" I asked wondering exactly what went on in her brain. It must be a frightening place.

"Yeah, accent-y. What can I say? American girls: we love our men with accents. Sure you're not British but I figure Irish is close enough."

"Please don't tell me you're only dating me because I'm 'accent-y'," I begged, shifting my hands down so they rested on her waist.

The amount of thought my girlfriend had to put into her answer did absolutely nothing to help my self-esteem. Wasn't there a rule in the grand scheme of the universe that said you couldn't tease a man like this on his birthday? Honestly, I think this might count as a form of emotional abuse.

"No, no. Your charming personality and dashing good looks had something to do with it, I suppose. Although the accent certainly makes up for the astonishingly large number of times you have dyed at least one part of me a different color."

Smirking I kissed the top of her head. "That only happened twice," I reminded her.

"And funnily enough, that's two times more than I would have liked."

I chuckled, enjoying the way the action made her squirm. "I stand by Jake's reaction. You made a very attractive grandma."

Kris ran a hand through my hair, twirling a few strands with barely idle fingers. "Gee, I sure know how to pick them, don't I?" she asked sardonically as she removed her head from my shoulder to stare at me with faux offense. "Honestly, what girl doesn't want to date a guy that tells her she looked hot impersonating a bed sheet?"

"I thought the 'accent-y' bit made up for that," I commented, laughter creeping and crawling its way into my eyes and building slowly in my chest.

The merriment didn't take nearly as long to capture Kris's face. "Ah yes," she said grandly, "the accent-y bit makes up for all of your minor character flaws. Even the one that makes you dye people white."

Stiffling the strong desire to laugh in her face, I settled on kissing her instead.

Kissing Kris, I had decided very early on, was an activity I would never get bored of performing. Her lips moved almost lazily against my own, as if we weren't in frequent danger of getting caught snogging by just about everyone, as if we had all the time and privacy in the world. She took things slowly, softly, gently, made everything so damn _good_ that I seriously considered the scientific probability of getting kissed to death. I would never, ever get bored of this. There would never be a moment in my life where I would wake up and say: 'Gee, this has been grand, but I think I'm over this kissing business'. It felt like I'd been transported to heaven.

"If you two are quite finished shoving your tongues down each others throats," Artemis's cold, clipped voice wafted through the air, "I would like to be able to walk around my walk around my room without having to resist the urge to vomit."

With a groan, I disentangled myself from Kris, rolled over and heaved myself into a sitting position.

"Christ, Fowl. Can't you just piss off?" I asked irritably, good mood more than efficiently killed.

Fowl didn't seem to think I deserved an answer as he ignored us both before walking off into the bathroom to change.

"What peed on his sheets this morning?" Kris eyed the bathroom door curiously as she sat up.

Choking back a laugh, I glanced back at the bathroom as well. "He's always like this. Usually he's worse, honestly."

Harrumphing gently the girl stood up. "Well, he should work on his manners. You Irish boys are such hooligans, the whole lot of you! Oh yes, and I've got instructions from Finn."

That could only bode for disaster and hilarity. "Alright then, lay them on me."

"He considers your attendance at breakfast today mandatory and advises you not use any restrooms on campus for the remainder of the day." She shrugged, obviously not in the mood to understand. "Also, he and Jake wish you a happy birthday. Well Finn did. Jake flips you the bird and advises you do something very offensive to your mother. Did the pair of you have a tiff?"

"You could say that, yeah," I mumbled, avoiding her eyes. Apparently Jake needed longer than I thought to get over my new relationship status. It wasn't as if he had really liked her though. Jake flirted with bloody anything that had diddies and two legs. "I'll see you later, alright?"

She left and I stood up, dragging myself towards the bathroom. I did not want to hear whatever scathing and inflammatory remarks Artemis had to shoot my way this morning. He usually spent whatever time we happened to occupy in the same space insulting me or ignoring my existence entirely. Something told me that he, like Jake, had not quite gotten over the fact that Kris and I were doing a line.

"Right Fowl, here's how this going to go. You're going to get all of your little conceited, rich, white boy rage out now, and I am going to go along with my day pretending it never happened."

Fowl looked up from the sink, shooting me a withering look with his mouth full of toothpaste. Something about seeing Artemis in his pajamas made the whole experience seem much less threatening. Wife beaters and boxers did not strike quite the same figure as crisp suits and Prada shoes. Honestly I was surprised he didn't sleep in the damn things.

"What in the name of all that is holy are you blathering on about now, caffler?" Artemis glowered as he spit out of the toothpaste.

For a moment, all I could do was stare. Why hadn't he started in on me? He never needed an excuse before.

"You know Fowl, that precious part of your day when you enjoy ripping me a new one?"

"I haven't the foggiest what you're on about now. It is hardly my fault you make it easy for me to insult you, although why anyone would want to go out of their way to converse with you is still beyond me."

Something had obviously gone terribly wrong in his brain. Artemis had yet to pass up an opportunity to remind me that Kris somehow still had to ties to him. He had yet to pass up an opportunity to make me feel two feet tall.

"You're not going to mention anything about what happened with Kris just now? Not one single passing jibe on my love life?"

"Who you decide to swap spit with hardly concerns me, O'Connor. Although, I wish you could save it for whatever pathetic amount of alone time you manage to steal. As I stated earlier, I would rather like to keep the contents of my stomach firmly where they belong, if you don't mind."

"You're codding me, right? You've got to be codding me."

"No, I am not. Now are you going to continue staring at me like a fish out of water, or can I continue getting ready to go receive what is at best a mediocre education?"

"Kristina Smith. Does that name mean nothing to you?"

Bleedin' deadly. Did he remember her at all? Not like this was not a change I couldn't cope with, but the amount of selective amnesia in this school made me want to give myself amnesia. Jaysus Christ, surely there had to be better ways to deal with your problems.

Clearly annoyed, Artemis swiveled to face me. He had managed to rid his mouth of toothpaste by now, although that hardly helped the threatening aura he seemed so desperate to radiate at all times of his life. "Listen, O'Connor. Just because we live together does not mean I actually enjoy conversing with you. Nor do I think I ever will. Let me make this clear: I pay just about as much attention to your attempt at a love life as I do to the rest of the buffoons that attend to this school, Miss Kristina Smith included. Now, if you would very kindly vacate the general premises, I would like to continue preparing myself for another mind-numbing day full of information I already know."

"These are my premises too, you know."

"If you do not stop talking, you will force me to demonstrate the self-defense I learned over the summer."

Giving his twiggy body a skeptical once over, I wondered how Artemis Fowl, certified genius, ever believed he could take me in a fight. Besides the blaring height difference, I had at least forty pounds on him. If anyone was going down in this situation, it would definitely be him, and I sure wouldn't pass up the opportunity to take a good swing at that smug face.

"Sorry, I can't take the image of you trying to inflict physical harm on anything larger than a kitten seriously."

Artemis slid out of the bathroom looking particularly miffed. "Why on Earth would I want to harm a kitten? They're practically harmless."

"You've never had a cat, have you Fowl?" I asked, remembering Toola's teething stage all too vividly. "But that's not the point. You really don't remember her? The name Kris Smith rings absolutely no bells."

Artemis shot me a long-suffering look, as if he was a parent saddled with an exceptionally disappointing child. "My brain," he said in a voice that clearly indicated fraying patience, "has several hundred very important functions that I would like it to perform in its usual excellence. Thinking about some girl does not happen to be one of them."

Someone out there must love me. Someone out there must love me rather a lot, actually. Dating Kris felt ten times less awkward when Artemis Fowl didn't insist on trying to run for the Guinness World Record of most instances cock-blocking a single couple. By now, he must have achieved it. I could hardly wrap my arms around her and give her a kiss without Artemis popping out of the woodworks like some magical abstinence fairy.

Not any more apparently. Unless Finn and Jake had taken the traditional birthday prank a little too far and I was currently in some weird sort of drug-induced coma. Not exactly the sort of things I would put past my friends, really, but at the same time not exactly their style. Maybe if I woke up in America, or tied to the back of a very confused sheep, now _that_ reeked of Jake and Finn. All this shoddy amnesia business still gave me the willies. Couldn't things in this school ever just settle on remaining normal?

Well, this birthday had taken a bizarre yet somehow wonderful start. By the time I made it down to breakfast, I almost felt awake.

"Good morning then Sleeping Beauty. Glad to see you joined the world of the living." Finn smirked at me from our customary table. Jake sat beside him, but he didn't appear to want to talk to me at the point. Right, I would have to sort that out eventually. Friends shouldn't fight about girls. Bros before hoes and all that blarney.

I didn't care quite enough to argue at this point. Instead I sat down and automatically began wolfing down the food Kris had assembled for me. Girlfriends were particularly amazing things.

"Don't you worry, everything's all set up. Your birthday anthem starts promptly at ten am sharp and anyone who plans on using the loo in the next twenty four hours will find a rather pleasant surprise."

This much got Kris's attention. "What in the name of sanity have you done to the toilets?"

Jake answered this time. "Saran wrap." He said with a grin that could charm the pants off of just about anyone. "Going to make taking a leak a little interesting, dontcha think?"

Oh sure, he talks to my girlfriend. Shouldn't she be the heartbreaking one in this triangle? It wasn't as if Jake fancied the pants off of me.

Kristina just rolled her eyes and went back to eating her eggs. "There is no helping you. Honestly. Teenage boys. When I eventually have to pee, I am going to take my frustration out on you."

"Is that an invitation, sugar lamb?" Jake asked, waggling his eyebrows.

I coughed and gave my friend a pointed glared. Jake scowled.

"The children are fighting again," Finn commented lightly. God I swear he was actually enjoying all this.

"Yes, because that's very out of character for them." Kris responded seriously as she sipped her coffee. Meekly, I held my hand out and she passed it my way.

"Obviously our parenting skills need some fine tuning."

"So it would appear. Don't worry, baby," Kris assured me as she kissed my cheek. "You're still my favorite."

"Come now, picking favorites is hardly fair." Finn said looking concerned.

"You two are institutional, you know that." The look on Jake's face was two parts amusement and one part confusion.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Kris shot back.

No, I decided firmly. This school had no chance of normalcy. Ever. Happy birthday, indeed.

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**Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you! Feel free to follow me on twitter (justaravenclaw). xxx Moda**


	7. Sometimes, Boys Suck

**Memo:** Not too much news, other than that I obviously suck at keeping a schedule. I don't know how you guys put up with me.

Thanks as always to undaunted_scholar by wonderful beta.

**Disclaimer: I'm not even Irish, what makes you think I own Artemis Fowl?**

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**Chapter Seven: Sometimes, Boys Suck**

Despite having several months practice on the matter, waking up in a foreign country still gave me a small case of the willies. No amount of plushy blankets and loud music could make it feel the same. Especially when I had to wake up alone. Before, I could at least count on Raleigh's steady quiet snores for comfort. Now, I had only silence, a rarity that, as girl with a two-year-old brother, I could not make myself grow used to. Even in the mornings when I was just as liable to kick you in the shins as hug you, part of me could feel the difference. It felt almost achingly lonely.

Then again, it could just be a combination of homesickness and teenage girl paranoia. After all, I'd never had this problem before. I could sleep seemingly anywhere without any sort of trouble. It was a rather new development. Ever since I had refused to stay home and let my father psychoanalyze me (something I am almost 100% they have rules and stipulations against by the way) or my mother mollycoddle and nurse me back to health, my parents had stopped talking to me all together. Not to say they had been particularly fantastic pen pals to begin with, I had heard from them only three or four times last term, but at least they had been around if I ever had need of them. At least I knew they would pick up and give me advice if I called them. These days, not so much.

Moral of the story: I'd been having trouble sleeping. For the first few days it was fine, almost fun, exploring my all-to-myself room and ignoring the way my eyelids drooped. By now, almost a week had passed, school had started and my more than occasional insomnia began to wear on me. Sometimes I couldn't see straight. Everything felt sluggish and it had certainly done a number on my normally cheerful personality. At least Raleigh's birthday had already passed so I didn't have to worry about snapping at him for no reason other than lack of sleep.

By the time Finn arrived to bother me about breakfast, I looked about five shades better than death and felt just as cheerful.

"Well," Finn greeted me bluntly as he surveyed me with a critical eye. "You certainly look like crap."

"Gee, thanks Finn. How did you know exactly what I wanted to hear?" I retorted sarcastically, rubbing my eyes and resisting the urge to yawn and punch him in the arm. No part of me was currently equipped to deal with boys this early in the morning. Good thing I went to an all-boys school.

Finnegan shrugged, completely ignoring my sass. "Must've been the look of joy on your face. But that's just a guess."

Trying and failing to hold back the urge to pull a face, I grumbled to myself as we walked. It took a few moments of companionable silence to realize something was off about this whole exchange.

"Where's Jake?" I asked, curiously half expecting him to jump out from around a corner and propose marriage. "No one's called me sugar lamb in almost 48 hours." Not like this new development particularly bothered me, but it felt weird. It was hard not to grow at least a little bit fond of his stupid pick up lines.

I had obviously hit a touchy subject because Finn stopped smiling and grew silent for a moment longer than necessary. Finally, he opened his mouth and replied cautiously. "Aye, well. Raleigh's asked him not to, you see."

Confused, I tried to make the information process through my sluggish brain. "Raleigh's asked him not to what?"

"Speak to you if can't do so without flirting."

Something about this just didn't sit right. "Jake's not even talking to Raleigh!" I exclaimed. "Do they make you play messenger or something? Ad why should it matter if Jake flirts with me, he's been doing that since day one."

Finn sighed, clearly irritated as well. "I'm not their bloody carrier pigeon. They can mediate their own stupid fights. And Jaysus Kris, they're fighting over _you_."

"Me?" I asked, slightly floored and terribly annoyed.

"'Course it's over you, eejit. Who else makes Raleigh get all overly protective? Jake means it when flirts. Raleigh doesn't take too kindly to people flirting with his girlfriend. A line got drawn and now we're pretty much the only people on speaking terms with everyone in our odd little group."

"Well that's stupid!" I hissed, feeling more aggravated than necessary for the current situation. "Boys are stupid!"

"As a boy, I take offense to your statement."

Deciding not to deign him with an answer, I shrugged on my backpack and headed towards the dining hall. If I couldn't get any sleep, at least I could get some decent food. Frosted Flakes and bananas were calling my name. Perhaps they would have the good coffee again today. That would certainly sort me out.

Just as I made to move, Finn grabbed my arm and swirled me around. "Not so fast there, Sleeping Beauty. You missed breakfast. Technically, we're both late already. Not as if anyone will be particularly surprised by this development. Although after the whole show with the toilets, they're probably all walking around on eggshells anyway."

"No coffee?" I whined pathetically. Christ, could this day possibly get any worse?

"No coffee." My friend confirmed. "Not scat. I'll see you in French."

By the time I'd slid into Science and received a healthy dose of detention for my troubles, the silent fume gathering around me since my conversation with Finn still hadn't worn off. If anything it had gotten worse.

While Raleigh was many different types of wonderful rolled into one, not one part of me enjoyed having someone control with whom I got to converse. My mother had raised me to believe I was worth far more than that. No self-respecting Smith woman would let herself get limited. Especially not by a man she loved, even if he had a laugh like church bells and one gorgeous smile. Not even then.

"Spoken to Jake lately?" I bit out as I sat down next to my boyfriend.

"Good morning to you too, _a chumann._" Raleigh replied with a quirk of his eyebrow.

"Don't you Gaelic me!"

Lips twitching into a smile, Raleigh gave me the sort of bemused look that usually had my stomach fluttering just slightly. Not today. Today, I was more than a little peeved. I scowled back until he answered.

"Yeah, actually. I have spoken to Jake lately. Have you?"

"No, funnily enough. Because someone seems to have outlawed our basic social interactions."

A light seemed to click on in my boyfriend's brain and he scowled right back at me. "He kept flirting with you."

"Listen," I hissed, leaning in closer. "I adore you. Honest, I do. You make me so happy. But sometimes, I just want to hit you!"

Cautiously, Raleigh scooted his chair farther away from mine as our teacher scowled. "Why on Earth would you want to hit me?"

"You do not choose whom I can or cannot talk to you, Raleigh James," I muttered, irritability getting the better of me.

"Don't use my middle name," he said wearily. "Ma does that whenever she's cross with me."

"Well, I'm cross with you!"

SLAM!

A science book dropped down between us and we both jumped. Struggling to regain my balance, I blushed up at our now irate teacher. Oops.

"Are you quite done?" he asked. "I have a class to teach. And if you would, Kristina, please move back to your assigned seat."

"Umm, yes sir, sorry." I muttered, fidgeting with my godforsaken skirt. Once he was out of hearing range I turned to my boyfriend and added very quietly, "I am not done with you, Raleigh James," before standing up and slinking back across the room to sit down next to Raleigh's roommate who promptly began to ignore me.

"Brilliant." I could see him muttering from across the room.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

I found Jake before I found Raleigh. Jake was, not surprisingly, sulking in the common area of our dorm. He looked more put out than I could ever remember seeing him. He shouldn't look this put out, especially not about something so silly and juvenile.

"Hello Jacob." I flopped down on the couch next to my friend. The moment my body hit the fabric, Jake jumped slightly as if surprised to find someone around him. "You're looking a little down."

"Jaysus, sug-Kris, you scared the shit out of me!" He gasped, clasping his hand to his heart.

"Consider it payback for the pranks," I replied, trying to sound more cheerful than I actually was, trying to ease the tension.

"I'm not supposed to talk to you if I can't be fucking civil," Jake muttered as he threw an angry glare at the stairway that lead to the rooms.

"Right, about that-" I began, sitting up again as I saw Finn approach.

"Yes, about that. I need a word with you two," Finn said, grabbing us each by the elbow and dragging us off of the couch. "Upstairs. Our room."

"Not gonna bash our faces together are you Finnegan?" Jake asked, trotting a little to keep up with his friend's long strides. "Believe it or not, I've thought about that but I don't really think it's going to solve the problem."

Huffing I let myself get tugged along the hallway and up the stairs. What Finn could want with the pair of us in his room didn't really stand thinking about. Most likely, he'd corralled Raleigh as well and planned on sorting all of this shit out right here and now. Finn always did have a relative impatience for drama.

"Right," he said as he shoved us both into his room. "I have had enough bloody fucking drama to last me the rest of my career. I did not put up with Kris getting kidnapped and developing some creepy version of PTSD just to have it all fall to shit over some silly love triangle. You lot are sorting your shit out right now or I am going to castrate the lot of you."

Politely, I raised my hand and waited until Finn glared at me to speak. "Umm, Finn, lady bits can't exactly get castrated."

"Jaysus bloody- you know what I mean!" He hissed. "Now sort it!" Fuming, he left the room, grabbing Jake's keys along the way and locking us in. The sound of scraping and grunting alerted us all to the fact that he had most likely just pushed one of the big fluffy hallway chairs in front of the door. Well, Finn was anything if not determined. Remind me to never get on his bad side ever again.

For a moment, we all sat in complete silence. Jake and Raleigh did not seem to want to meet each other's eyes. I kept my eyes trained on Raleigh and Jake kept his trained on me and for a great long while we simply sat there.

My brain appeared to have short-circuited as the feelings churning in my chest couldn't translate themselves properly into words. More than anything I wanted to tell them both to stop being so stupid over a girl. Honestly, boys. Can't say I was behaving any better though, seeing as I hadn't started talking and still felt more than a little bit miffed.

"Why did you start dating her?" Jake blurted out at last, sounding hurt.

Caught off guard Raleigh blinked. "Because I like her, and she makes me happier than I've been in a long while."

"What if she makes me happy as well? Thought I was supposed to be your best mate, Raleigh?"

"You are my best mate." Weariness filled his voice as Raleigh scratched his head.

"How come I didn't even get a chance to tell her? You never had any problem with me flirting with her before. Christ, you've never had any problem with my flirting before now."

"She's my girlfriend now, Jake! It's different!"

"So back when Kris was single, nothing mattered. Back when she-" Here, he paused to look at me as if asking for guidance. I stared blankly back at a loss for the reason why and he barreled on. "Back then, it didn't matter. But now that I still like her and you go around flaunting your relationship-"

"I do not flaunt our relationship!" Raleigh replied hotly. "Just because I don't want someone pulling a move on my girlfriend doesn't mean I'm flaunting her."

"Oh please," Jake sneered. "Kissing her all the time, holding her hand every moment, it's like your baiting me or something."

"She's not a piece of bait I use to taunt you with Jacob. She's a person I happen to care about greatly."

"I care about her, too! She's important to me, too!"

"_She's_ right here, you know." I said pointedly, rubbing my eyes and trying to fight back the exhaustion.

"I know you're there, _a chumann._"

"Stop with the Gaelic-ing!" Huffing, I crossed my arms and glaring. Remaining angry with him when he spouted foreign languages at will seemed more difficult than it was worth. Couldn't he just let me fume? "I don't appreciate you at the moment, not one bit!"

"Sorry, did she just tell you to 'stop with the Gaelic-ing'?" Jake asked as an amused smile spread across his face for the first time since break.

Raleigh rolled his eyes and grinned back. "Yeah, I'm not exactly sure when it started bothering her this much. Kind of adorable though, don't you think?"

"My annoyance with your general person should not be adorable. You can't tell me whom I can talk to, Raleigh. It's not fair."

"Sorry, sugar." At least when Jake apologized, it actually sounded sincere. "But he's got a point. You're rather adorable."

Letting out a formerly muted scream, I boxed them both around the ears. "You two are just such _boys_!"

"Wonder why that is," Jake muttered, rubbing his head rather resentfully.

"Listen Raleigh, I'm going to continue to talk to Jake whether you approve or not, because he's my friend and I value his company. Jake, I am going to continue to date Raleigh whether you approve or not, because I like him quite a large amount and he happens to make me incredibly happy. Got it?" I looked them both square in the eye, wanting nothing more than for this to just end so I could go back to my room and hopefully take a nap.

"Do I get any sort of say in this?" Raleigh asked quietly, looking back at me just intently.

"Did I ever say you had to start talking to Jake again? No. Although, I think Finn would appreciate it, he doesn't seem too fond of his newly appointed carrier pigeon role."

"More importantly," Jake interrupted. "Do I still get to flirt with you?"

I opened my mouth then looked at Raleigh. He had every right to get unsettled by someone flirting with his girlfriend, especially when that someone was also one of his best friends. Perhaps this was one question I couldn't answer.

"Well," I began carefully. "I don't mind it, not really. But you have to know that I don't like you that way Jake, you're just my friend. Mostly, you'll have to ask Raleigh."

Jake looked imploringly at an uncomfortable Raleigh, hope in his eyes.

"I'd rather you hold off for awhile." Raleigh said carefully. "Just to get…things, under control."

Everyone could tell by 'things' he really meant: 'raging and uncontrollable crush on my girlfriend' but we knew better than to mention it aloud. Things were going so well right now anyway.

"Well this is just spiffing." I said, clapping my hands and hoping Finn would let us all out now. My bed called to me like sirens to sailors and food to really hungry people. If I resisted too much longer, I would end up passing out on the floor. "We've made some real progress today. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go pass out."

Jake and Raleigh both laughed and for a moment, everything felt normal again.

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Thanks for reading! Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you. Follow me on twitter (justaravenclaw) xxx Moda


	8. Author's NoteFormal Apology

Not dead!

This is a formal apology for the absolutely atrocious rate at which I am failing to update Bringing Back Technicolor. I am so, so sorry, I never intended to let it get this out of hand. Life has a way of getting in the way but things should get back under control soon.

I have been writing in this absence, but it hasn't been AF things. I've been holding off posting them till I have the next chapter of BBT finished. I'll try to wrap that up within the next month and have it live. Hopefully followed with the next chapter shortly thereafter, as penance for my sins. (Also followed by a flood of non-AF fics I've got piled up). If that fails, I'm sorry (so sorry), just know that I'm not dead. Just… busy.

Thank you everyone who still holds out hope for this story, and reads it even though it's not complete and the author's a flaky spazz. You are forever the most dedicated fanbase I've ever had, and I promise to try and make the wait worth while.

xxx Moda


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